Weekend in Paris… with your mum.- All-access weekend pass for the colossus monster truck derby.
- Subscription to Sky Sports.
- 5 “sex vouchers” that will allow your wife or girlfriend to give you oral sex 5 times. (How lucky she is!)
- Swingers’ party invitation.
- Voucher for her to have 5 kgs of fat removed via liposuction.
- Herpes.
- Clothes that don’t fit, that she would never wear anyway, and you forgot to keep the receipt.
- Magical beans that you exchanged for the money you were going to spend on a weekend spa for her.
- Nothing.
- Your old iPad.
- A break-up letter, after you ate 3 slices of her birthday cake.
- Not what she has been hinting about for weeks.
- An expensive but hideous sculpture from an unknown artist. (If they get famous that could be worth a mint!)
- Supplies for knitting and darning your socks.
- Dishwasher or pretty much any white good, excluding an ice cream machine.
- A love poem which turns out to be plagiarised lyrics from a Bon Jovi song.
- Hilarious Hallmark card about getting old, with something along the lines of why sultanas are better than grapes.
- Ab Sculptor 2000, second-hand from eBay.
- A meal at any dining establishment advertising “ALL YOU CAN EAT” or “HALF PRICE TUESDAY” (even though her birthday was on Sunday).
- Front row seats at the annual Tory/LNP/Republican conference.
- Flat screen TV for the toilet.
- The book “The Myth of Monogamy.”
- His and Hers matching Snuggie Up™ Bathing Suit
- (or pretty much his and hers anything, and yes, Snuggies are that disturbing).
- Invitation to a meditation session with the cult you seem to be getting sucked into.
- A tattoo covering your whole back with her name misspelt.
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